January 31, 2002 - 11.00 pm
I should be in bed. I really really should. This early class studd has really transformed my life and I don't mean in a yay way. Sort of in a yay way, I guess. I mean, I'm getting so much DONE these days. And I feel industrious and stuff. But it means when these late night writing things hit, they hit HARD.
It's about that time again. Time for another Tia entry. Her anniversary isn't till tomorrow (which, technically is an hour away) but I cannot believe that it has been four years. God. I mean, four years, you know, and a lifetime, and a second. I just . . . I really thought I'd be OK with this. I always think that. Intellectually, I think dude, I'm fine. I'll be fine. And then, it rolls around, and I never really AM fine.
I'm sad.
But this year I wasn't dreading it for weeks. I sort of forgot. I didn't FORGET, but I wanted February to be here because my finances were stretching thin and blah blah blah, but man. Man. This really snuck up on me.
And I'm sad.
Still. After four years, I'm really sad. I mean, I'm glad Tia was in my life. I'm glad for all the lessons I've learned since then, because of that Feburary 1st, 1998. But it's not FAIR. It's really not. She was great. She was so full of life and vibrant and necessary, and Jesse. My Jess. He still had so much. So much to do, to see, to be. He still had these dreams and ambitions and everything, and it's just not fair. I want to know them. I want their lives to have continued ON THIS DAMN PLANE because now, I don't know them. I want to hear their stories and know what's going on with them, I want them to share my life, I want to not know this feeling. I want to not be sad every Feburary 1st and October 29th. I want to not know those dates. I want to have no damn baggage. I know they say everyone has baggage, and the old RENT line "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine," bullshit. B U L L S H I T. No one is really looking for baggage. They deal with it, because no one comes without it.
But I am sad.
The reality is I may never see them again. And I didn't get them long enough. I didn't get enough time with either of them. Tia should have finished high school with us and gone on to college and wowed the world like I knew she was going to and not have left us on February 1st four years ago. Most of the time I really know that they're still there. They can't have disapeared. They are still out there working for something, keeping me and the ones I love safe, but tonight, I just miss the hell out of them. So much.
I am sad.
Tia's dying changed everything. My friends and I weren't really ever high school kids. We have all grown up since even then, but after that moment, when the first of us found out, we weren't high school kids. We didn't behave in most of the "typical" ways like we watched other kids in our high school do when people in our class died. We bonded. We had fun. But you know, there was so much worry still. Every time someone left a room for months, we said "I love you." We fretted at the mere hint of a car accident, we were so protective. Because if it could happen to Tia, man, it could happen to any of us. We felt like it should have happened to us. Every one of us thought "It should have been me."
I am sad.
I can't go into our rec center because I remember sitting there with Laine, and Ellen, and Marie, and Rebecca, and Helen picking at a cold, vending machine bagel when we were setting up for the reception after Tia's funeral. We hadn't eaten much that week. Mr. Sprain tried to tempt us with pizza and Ben and Jerrys, but we didn't have much of an apetite. We looked like hell. We were always touching because we needed it so much.
I am sad.
Emily
