February 27, 2002 - 3.24 pm
"Where will you be in 10 years?"
***********
Feburary 27th, 2012
I was married at a beautiful, simple outdoor wedding, with everyone I know in attendance. I wore a gorgeous off the shoulder, ankle lenth gown, and no shoes, and my hair was gathered on top of my head with baby tendrils hanging down. My toenails were painted light, pearly yellow. L, SE, EC, and my sisters stood at my side, in blue dresses with boquets of yellow wildflowers. My daddy cried when he gave me away.
I moved to New York with my husband, where L and B live. L is running a shelter for battered women, and has been published several times. Her shelter has become a model for shelters nation-wide. I work at a county hospital as a social worker, where my husband is a resident. I have coffee with L two mornings a week, and we all have dinner together Wednesday nights.
An abandoned baby girl was brought into my hospital about 10 months ago. My husband treated her for exposure and withdrawl, her mother had been addicted to cocain and so she was born addicted. After several frusterating weeks of not being able to find a foster home willing to take a crack baby, my husband and I brought her home. She is perfect. When we brought her home, she was a tiny tiny baby, with a normally sunny disposition and a lot of attitude. She really is my child, she never screamed like most crack babies, but she loves to be touched, and became fussy and irritated when she was put down. She got skin the color of cocoa and light brown eyes, little, delicate hands with looong fingers and tiny feet. I can't imagine life without her. Two months ago, a judge assured me that I would never have to. Her name is Margaret (my mother) Caroline (my grandmother). Maggie (her own sweet self). I now work three days a week, and Maggie's in a great daycare. We're planning a trip back to Colorado soon, so my sisters can meet their neice. My parents flew out for her adoption hearing and spent a week getting to know their first grandbaby.
Someday I will be able to give birth to a child. They have the technology now to "fix" me. But I cannot imagine a more perfect life than this.
*****************
I made the decision the other day as I was walking home to start picturing my future the way I wanted it to be. I 've been so afraid to see good things in my future because I thought I might jinx it, like if I dared to picture the future I want, I'd never have it, it would be only dreams. But the other day, I decided "Screw it." because why spend all your time worried about what will or won't happen? I mean, I have some control over my future, but what's meant to happen will. It's like when you wish on a star and wish for happily ever after, not a certain event or whatever, just happily ever after, letting what's meant to happen happen, and getting out of the way. I decided to become a "free woman" (borrowing the concept from Pearl Cleage) I want to be able to consciously execute all the moments in my life. I don't want my fears to dictate for me. So I decided to start seeing things the way I want to.
The way a free woman should.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life.
Emily
