April 19, 2002 - 12.36 pm
I'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. And I shouldn't. But here's the thing.
I got home last night from a taxing Biopsych lecture, knowing my roommate and I had to usher for the musical on campus, Wonderful Town. I also knew we'd have to catch the bus because her sister had her car. Which is fine. And we'd discussed going out for dinner. But there really wasn't time. So I got home after a taxing lecture and not having eaten all day, and there's a definite chill in the apartment. Not tempererature, but attitude. So I banter around, generally acting like an idiot, trying to get my roommate to tell me what was up. She wouldn't, so I left her alone, thinking she'd tell me when she felt like it.
So, I go to the kitchen think, hey, I'll make some mashed potatoes. I like mashed potatoes. But the potatoes, which we bought not long ago, are very green, and I'm sort of weirded out by the greenness. So I showed a partially cooked green potato chunck to my roommate and she snapped that it was fine, vegetables are green sometimes, you know. So I went back to the kitchen, my proverbial tail between my legs, and called my mother to ask about green potatoes. My roommate, S, wandered into the room, and I was talking to my mom, and at some point, she said, "if you don't stop, I'm going to throw something at you!" Semi-jokingly, but there was a definite bite to her words. So I put the lid on the potatoes and went to the living room to talk with my mom.
So, I'm having a merry little chat with my mom, and my cell phone died, and I made a yelp sound, and S growled, WHAT NOW. And I am bemused. So I ask if she's pissed off at me and she begins talking to the cat. A sure sign that she's mad and not going to tell me what about. So, I was all like, if you don't tell me what's making you mad, I can't rectify the situation. And she said, "I can't, it's like you getting mad at me for walking across the house. It's inevitable."
And then, I started feeling really really bad. Bad because I made her angry, bad because I can be a real airhead sometimes, bad because I'm not as neat as she is, bad because I have friends that I make plans with, bad because I'm not pretty like she is, bad. I started imagining all the things I've done lately that could have made her angry and she wouldn't tell me about them. And I couldn't think of anything particular. Except, just being me. Leaving stuff out, being kind of spacey, and then I felt bad because of all of those things. Bad because I can forget to put stuff away, bad because I don't like to go out and party, bad because I watch too much TV, bad because I like sappy movies, bad because I'm not really very much fun. I felt bad about every thing that I am. And even though I tried to shake it off last night, I'm still feeling bad about it today. And the fact that it's fairly certain that I'll fail a math test today. And that compounds the bad feeling, because it's more proof that I can be pretty stupid.
OK. I'm just going to go. I wanted to talk about the show we ushered, but maybe when I feel a little bit more worthy of using the computer.
Emily
