June 12, 2002 - 11:42 p.m.
I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. A friend tonight suggested that I date her brother, which of course, flattered me to no end, but then I started picturing these little scenes, these little perfections in which I play the sassy, independant, loving, doting, care-taking girlfriend. And then, of course, I came home and watched the second half of the second Dawsons Creek that the WB blessed me with tonight. :)
And I was in love with the idea of having some romantic scars in my past. I'm 19 years old and have not yet had a relationship of any significance. Talking to EH and another friend of ours, EG, and they were like, "yeah, I'm very possesive of my exes. What about you, Emily?" Yeah. Well, the one relationship that I could even call an 'ex' was named Aaron, six years ago, in the ninth grade. I don't ever see him. Last I heard, he'd decided to start dating men. Figures. There was a guy, Scott, Senior year summer, but he was just using me to get the time off that he needed. He was engaged to a beautiful redheaded nursing student, by the name of Kaitlyn. Oh baby you know you want to be me.
The thing is, I'm doing SO MUCH better in the romance category lately. Not that there has been a possibility of anything but I've stopped feeling dejected because of it. I've (for the most part) stopped thinking "Oh, this is for the sake of my art!" because I don't KNOW. I don't know what the next day holds for me. But I've finally accepted the fact that not everyone falls in love. Not everyone finds the perfect love that my parents have found. Some people spend their lives single. And that's me. And that's OK. I live my life in the presence of such LOVE. And it's good. I'm living my life in a place I love, surrounded by people I love and who, despite everything love me. It's incredible. I'm finally exactly where I want to be for the next stage of my life. And it's perfect.
I am overwhelmed.
Emily
