July 14, 2002 - 11.16 pm
You know what I hate about my father? There’s not much really, because I adore my dad. I always have. I’ve always been a Daddy’s Little Girl. My father has always been a port in a storm, someone who’s always loved me, always believed in me and my whole life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to make my father proud. My Dad is a charismatic, romantic, intelligent, capable, loving, spiritual man, and in most respects I would be lucky to marry a man who is half the man my father is.
That being said, I have some things that drive me nuts and hurt me a lot, this one being my father cannot have an argument without making it about WHO I AM. I forget to put the trash out; I’m lazy. I don’t make my bed; I take him for granted. It goes on and on, and I end up feeling like a really horrible person. REALLY horrible. Like I’m not a good daughter, or a good sister, or a good human being, everything about me is bad. The thing is, in general, I work really hard to be a good person. I want to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good niece, a good sister, a good cousin, a good friend, a good person. And when we get into these arguments, I feel for days like I’m none of these things, I never will be, and so what’s the point? I know I have my faults. I don’t pay enough attention to detail, so sometimes I overlook things. I’m not the neatest person in the world, so my standards for clean are probably lower. And sometimes I do get typical teen-y, and roll my eyes when he asks me to do things. But on the whole I think I participate in my family far more than any other college kid I know. And I tried to bring this up to him, but he feels like I owe him for my living expenses. Truth be told I do. My father is paying for me to live where I live. And I’m really grateful. But I wish I could make enough to live on my own, scott free and just not have to DEAL with this, but I can’t and I do. I feel like he’s using this to get stuff done that he wants done. He can’t just ask me, he can only say “I’m paying for you so you’re mine.” I don’t know what to do, honestly. I just don’t.
