July 29, 2002 - 11:19 p.m.
I'm sitting in Loveland at my dad's little laptop for this update, battling obscene amounts of guilt. I was home Saturday and Sunday, and my dad hasn't been feeling too good. So, when I was leaving Sunday evening, I asked if there was anything I could do for him and he asked me to stay. That should have been the red-flagger right there, you know? I should have recognized that my dad never wants me to leave but he never asks me to stay either.
So, this morning, he calls and tells me that they think he's ruptured his appendix and could I pick my mom and sister up from church (they're getting back from World Youth Day tonight) and I got out of bed and into the car. He didn't even ask me to come home.
I'm embrassed of how messy the house is with L looking after the cats and dog, which were the reason I left in the first place. I'm feeling guilty that I left at all, I'm feeling bad because I'm not my mom, I can't make magical things happen, like Daddy getting his damn CT scan on time, I'm scared because I forget sometimes how fragile human beings are and I love my father so very very much. I hate hospitals, there is nothing I can do to make my father feel better and I'm mad at the whole health care system. My dad went in to see the doctor at 9 this morning. They suspected a ruptured appendix and they couldn't get him in for a CT scan until 3.30 this afternoon. They asked us to show up at 3.00 this afternoon and they didn't have my father in his scan until 4. He had to sit in an uncomfortable little waiting room, sweaty and miserable, for a freaking hour. AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. And then no one there could tell us anything. I'm feeling guilty because I let my dad get a Slurpee on the way home from the doctors and when we finally did hear something it was that the earliest he could have his surgury was 10 PM because I'd let him have a Slurpee.
L tells me that my self esteem is low and I should work on that (there's a whole long entry for that night) but right now I'm feeling very ineffective and afraid.
Think good thoughts for us.
Emily
