August 03, 2002 - 12.44 am
(you should know that I probably shouldn't be updating, as I have to be back in Boulder tomorrow AM at 9, and haven't been sleeping all that well this week and will spend aaaallllll day tomorrow doing menial labor for FREE. Volunteerism. That's what we do.)
Recently, I've been getting some slack for my entry of April 18th, about liking country music. So, I'm redeeming myself! Seriously, I like all kinds of music. On my playlist currently are Jimmy Buffet, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, the Beatles, Nickleback, Jimmy Eat World, Pink, Les Mis, Erika Badu, Outkast, and Steve. Wide range, wouldn't you say?! I love all of these songs with a fierce intensity, maybe because they speak to me, maybe because they mean something to me, maybe I just like the noise they make.
But. About four years ago, I'd been hearing all of this business about a show called The Last Session, TLS from this woman named Gail, who was on the Rent newsgroup list. (BTW, Joey Fatone playing Mark in RENT?!?! I want to die. DIE!) So I decided to check out the website for this musical. I downloaded the clips of songs on my .093 KB modem, and instantly begged a credit card off of my father, and ordered the CD. I was hooked. Caught comPLETELY off gaurd by what I found. Not that I wasn't expecting it to be good, I wasn't expecting the depth of emotion, I wasn't expecting the expertly crafted lyrics that spoke to how I felt. I had just found out that Jesse had AIDS, and that it was bad. I had to face that he was dying a million miles away from me, but I, in true 17 year old fashion only thought about what I felt like, not what it was like to live in his body, as it slowly failed him. I e-mailed Steve, gushy words that didn't even begin to express what I felt. The first words Steve ever typed to me was and I remember this perfectly,
"What a nice boy you are."
D'oh. It didn't matter though. I was in love. I latched on, I ran home and checked the mail for my CD, once it came, I walked down the halls with it in my CD player. When we had quiet time in class, I pulled it out. I played it for my theatre group and my speech and debate class. I began doodling phrases on the edges of all my papers. I ordered the script and the piano music. I dreamed of the day I would direct this play. My best friend, L, held me while I listened to Connected, and I sobbed. Somehow, this man that I'd never met, crawled into my soul and pulled every feeling I was having and put them into this beautiful thing. I bought more CDs for presents. I took friends to the Denver production, even though I had to miss the TLS reunion weekend. We cried in the first five minutes, we laughed, we experienced something truly -- TRULY magical.
I joined the TLS list. I found these people who just loved. I was used to the Rent list, where they basically told "newbies" to shut the hell up and let them have their little cult clique that no one who'd discovered Rent after 1996 could belong to. The people on the TLS list wanted to know me, to hear my story, and yeah, there were scuffles sometimes. But mostly, it was a sounding board, a comfort zone, a place where I could be who I wanted to be. There were gay people, straight people, HIV+, not, old, young, everyone, and everyone was pretty universally welcomed.
OK, I'm getting distracted. Steve. When I joined the TLS list, Steve stopped being this name on a screen, the man behind the words, someone I could never touch and who would never touch me. Steve became El Bighead, the joyous, zany, quirky, queeny, loving man who kept us all together. Who was the reason. The music. Even now I'm not as close to Steve as I want to be. Life can get in the way sometimes. But I know if I needed to talk to him, I know I could. I know he knows I'm alive, and that's enough. His job is to keep making the music, to keep writing, to keep acting, to keep being. Some people really touch this world, you know, some people strive to make it a better place and Steve does. And he brings together these people that just make you glad you're alive. I met Riley through Steve, and I love him more than I can possibly say, and Gabi and Alec, who are just these amazing blazes of power and strength and courage and humanity, and Bev, who I want to BE when I grow up, and Dickie, who I never met but I loved and who I still miss, and Amy, and Dori and Barb and the Lindas and Peg, and Alex, and Stacy, and Michael, and Barefoot Ron, these are just people you hope to come across by chance in a lifetime and I found them in one place.
Wow. Long love fest here. BUT! You too can be a part of this gooey love! Buy CD's at http://www.youth-guard.org/bonusround/index.html
Buy tickets to Steve's performance in Laugna at
http://www.bonusround.com/tour
Check out www.bonusround.com for all things Steve!
In all seriousness, this is one of the most amazing blessings in my life, this music, these people.
Love,
Emily
