August 17, 2002 - 1.58 am
I don’t know if I can explain this.
Imagine you had this friend.
And imagine she made you feel like maybe, despite everything, you’re worth something, when every other force in your life makes you feel like maybe you’re not.
And imagine that you have laughs with this friend, giggles and chuckles and snorts.
Imagine when you need a partner in crime, shoulder to cry on, a balloon, a support; this friend flew to your side without even asking.
Imagine you tell her everything.
Imagine sitting in Denny’s with this friend, and hearing a certain song on the radio, and knowing that she knows what you’re thinking without even having to ask.
Imagine this friend telling you that she’ll give you what your heart desires most in this world, even though it will hurt her and she’ll come away with nothing.
Imagine just sitting with this friend. Not saying anything, but knowing you’ll remember for the rest of your life how this feels.
Imagine your little sister saying, “You two aren’t best friends” (meaning, of course, how obvious is it that you two are in fact, best friends)
Imagine this friend is your Ya Ya Sister.
It sounds pretty great, right?
And then, imagine, knowing that this friend doesn’t need you.
Imagine knowing she’s in love and happy, but feeling like this love will take her far far away from you.
Imagine knowing this should make you happy. She’s happy.
Imagine having a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach because you know that when she needs someone, it won’t be you.
Imagine feeling guilty, because you can’t just be happy for her.
Imagine feeling like a sap, a drain.
Imagine your mother confirming your worst fear, saying, “couples spend a lot of time dedicated to each other, even more when they’re married.” Imagine knowing your parents have no single friends.
Imagine the feeling when she says, “well, they’re 45. most 45 year olds are married or coupled up” and fearing for your life and at the same time, knowing with almost complete certainty that you won’t be, therefore negating your importance in the lives of the people you care about.
Imagine her confirming that you are, in fact, the one in the relationship who does all the needing. She’s saying that you’re OK to have, but beyond that . . .
Imagine knowing that there are things she doesn’t tell you because she wants to “protect” you. She thinks you can’t handle them.
Imagine hurting her feelings because of your own, desperate, unfounded insecurities.
Imagine knowing you’re completely neurotic, and that change is inevitable, and that even for the most patient of saintly souls you and your insecurities get insanely obnoxious.
