August 29, 2002 - 9:39 p.m.
I've been wanting our commune a lot lately. Riley and I have been talking about building a commune for ages and I think it's about time we started. Not that I'm not happy about my life, because I am. And getting happier now that school's started. And the CU/CSU game is on Saturday and I'm going. I'm taking an incredibly full class load and I'm a little bit worried about it, because it's going to be killer, and I'm already behind.
That's the thing. I I didn't do ANYTHING this summer, and yet I want a break from it all. I want to go somewhere that's not Boulder, as much as I love it here, I want to go somewhere quiet and beautiful and serene and have everyone I love there and have it not be the trials and tribulations of every day. I want Riley there because I love him and because I'm long overdue for a hug from that boy.
(Side note:I watched a segment on 20/20 in a psych class of mine on a transgendered female to male guy called Alex and he reminded me so strongly of Riley -- the coming out as a lesbian and realizing that wasn't quite right and being so happy as who he was. He hadn't had surgury or hormone therapy, but he was very masculine and male-looking. I want that for Riley. I want him to be happy and whole)
I want L at the commune and T and EH and SK, and S and her sister, EC, and my sisters, and D, and De, but I don't want to deal with the troubles we deal with every day. I don't want D to be kicking himself over life, I don't want to fret about L and her boyfriend B, and I don't want EH to worry about her long-distance beau, I don't want T to worry about money or her crazy family, I want S not to worry about the future, or whether she's talented or not, I want SK not to think about her boy, I want my sisters, MB and Ab not to worry about school or boys.
I want us all at a cabin in the mountains with a lake, and trees and not another place in sight, where we are stripped down to our barest. Where we are down to nothing but the essence of what we are and not worry incessently about the noise and bother of the every day world. I want for us to truly truly be able to enjoy one another as we really are, not as we play in the "real world".
I want everyone I love sitting around a wooden table, playing cards, some drapped over old squishy chairs, reading, writing, cuddling a cat, in one room with big, fat, cinnamon candles burning. I want to sit around the table and play What If. I want to build a fire in the evening and have everyone lying in front of it, our soft bodies touching, completely freely, unaware of any societal pressure to maintain certain distances. I want to tell secrets in the dark, I want to lie outside, shivering in old moth-ball smelling sleepingbags, looking at the stars. I want to debate the big questions of life over bagels and a fresh pot of coffee in my bathrobe.
I don't want to worry about school, or money, or the future. I don't want to worry that no one will ever love me. I don't want to worry that I'll be a failure and never achieve the things I want to. I don't want to worry that someone in a moment of fanaticsm will blow the world up. I don't want to worry that in everything, somehow, I'm not enough, because in that moment I will be perfect. Not flawless, but basking in love and the magic that comes only when you are surrounded by good people and completely free of the world.
You can't plan something like that. It comes along once in a great while. But if I could order the universe to create me one thing that would be it. And, just as long as we're ordering the universe around here, I would make them give me back Jesse and Tia. Maybe just for that weekend. As long as we're ordering the universe around. :)
Goodnight,
Emily
