September 8th, 2002 - 10:57 p.m.
OK, so well done, Emily, last night's entry was suitably incoherent and blabbery. :) But it's part of my wit and charm, right? RIGHT?! (Oh well. Riley loves me. He's the only one who reads this anyway)
L. I don't know what to do for L. I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to deal with our other friends. I want to protect her and make this better, but I can't. Last night, last night I showed up at her place and didn't manage to do anything right. I knew I shouldn't have gone, I know that when L says she wants to be alone, she's not like me, I hope that someone will see through my words and come cuddle me. That was of course, the opposite of what L wanted. She wanted to be left alone. But I showed up anyway and made her cry more and the general consensus is I SUCK AT THIS. So today I dropped off a present. I was like, well, if I can't do it, maybe I can leave some things that will make her feel better. But I think I just made her mad.
Why aren't there textbooks for this?! Why doesn't someone just come up to me and say "The best way for you to help L is __________."
I can't stand to see her like this. It makes my heart ache. And I know she's beating herself up and I know this really was for the best. AND DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I JUST SAID?! I can't stand to see her like this. I. I can't stand it. JesusLord, I can't even imagine how she feels. I feel bad about centering this all on me, how I feel, how I want it to be better. DAMN.
This is hard. I kind of wish she would just call in the middle of the night sobbing and let me listen to everything, and so then at least, I wouldn't be worried about what to say and what not to.
There is this lyric, in a song I used to listen to a lot as a kid and it sort of says how I feel right now
"Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing
Nothing ever stays the same
How can I help you
Say goodbye
It's OK to hurt
And it's OK to cry
Come let me hold you
And I will try . . .
How can I help you
To say goodbye"
