September 29th, 2002 - 11:42 pm
Today started out being a really really great day. I went to a knit-a-thon that L has orgnized for her work and I started to really understand why pioneer women had knitting and quilting circles. There was a really great time with just a bunch of women sitting together, chilling out, being real, there's such a chemsestry change when you throw men into the mix, and sometimes it's a great chemsitry change and sometimes it feels like you have to be less real. But this was just a really light, fun way to spend an afternoon.
And I expected the day to keep getting better. We were scheduled to have fondue at L and SK's tongiht at 8 and I expected that to be totally fun, and the same easy atmosphere, but the gods of atmosphere were not with us, I guess. It sort of felt weird from the get-go, maybe because S, my roommate was with us. I mean, she doesn't usually attend these events, but I ended up feeling really dissed and now I'm sort of sitting here, pondering all my faults, wondering how I exist at all, and trying to convince myself that my friends do not, in fact, hate me. I hate this, because it might have been totally normal ribbing and I'm just so thin skinned, I should just leave it be, but I feel really. . .bad. I feel like S tried to have private conversations with me in public, and she voiced some concerns she has at this dinner thing. And I just hated it. I'm feeling so awful, you know, like, maybe I shouldn't ever leave this room again, and at the same time, I really want my mom, or L, or Riley, or someone to hold me and tell me I'm not shit, and that I'm worth something and that being sort of messy doesn't mean I'm not likeable or loveable, or un-live-withable. I'm just feeling like some of my deepest fears were just confirmed at a table full of my best friends, and this feels like a nightmare.
I know I have faults. I have to live with me. I know I'm loopy and un-neat, and sarcastic, and condescending, and I feel like that makes me not pretty or funny or nice, or likable. I want to be one of those people that people trust, you know? S recently told me her parents don't trust me, I don't think I'm one of those people that others intrinsicly flock to, I don't feel like I'm necessary in anyones life and I know I'm being silly because even if that is all true, it isn't because of what S said, or what L said, or what EH said. Its because of me.
And now I'm going to go. . .wallow or something, I guess.
