October 21st, 2002 - 10.40 am
All day yesterday I sort of felt like my insides were made of glass. You know that feeling? Like your sadness sometimes makes it so that you feel like you're going to break, shatter, splinter, so you'd better be careful with yourself? I went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding with S,L and SK, and that helped a lot, but when I went to bed I started to cry again. Just a little, this time though, so that was good.
And today is better. I feel like the world is different, like the loss of my pet has changed some cosmic thing. And I feel sort of silly about admiting that. I know that beyond a small circle, the loss of Sandy didn't affect the universe. I liked picturing Sandy and Jesse playing together, though. Tia too, she loved animals and they loved her. Her cat, Peanut still sleeps on her bed. Added, it's almost Jesse's anniversary. Oy. I don't know if there is actually a heaven, or if it's a story we tell ourselves to make loss and pain easier. But for now, it's a picture that I'm keeping. I can't imagine these energies just gone, you know?
Anyway. Today is better. I spent all morning doing stats homework, I know what you're thinking, "Better? she says today is better and she's done nothing but stats?! " Yes indeed. Though my hatred for math is unparalleled (except maybe by my hatred of PT Cruisers, The Ugliest Midget Herse Cars Ever Invented) I kind of like the absoluteness of it. This is the answer, right here, in black and white, and this is how you get it. No questions about the meaning of the thing, just an answer pure and simple.
I'm also realizing that life does go on. I know I've said that before, but after every loss no matter how little it may seem, it's a realization you have to come to again and again. Yes, I'm sad, but I still have school, and training and friends, and Humanities Club and the world still is turning and I still can function. I knew all of this intellectually, but emotionally it was a comPLETELY different story.
So. Anyway. There is truth to that old saying "Things will look better in the morning."
