November 9th, 2002 - 4.24 pm
Whoa. It's been a while since I updated. I was pretty good there for a while. I'll try to get good again. :)
I had a weekend of some pretty heavy introspection and came to a few conclusions. But first!
Friday night was my first hotline shift. I made it. I made Laine and her roomie, Kim, come over and watch stupid TV and movies with me, and not a call. As I suspected the calls started when I finally convinced myself that I wouldn't be any good to anyone if I didn't get some sleep. But I survived. I made it. I didn't fuck anyone up too badly. They're going to let me keep being a part of this awesome team that I already feel at home with. Fhew! I was sort of surprised that the physical reaction that I had -- I got raggedy breathing and I shook really hard. I think I covered pretty well, but that was a response I wasn't expecting.
The Buffs. Wow. We managed to win against Missouri, but by the very skin of our teeth. We won by 7 in overtime. The stupid Tigers nearly ripped Jeremey Bloom's head off though. (Just so you know, I really really wanted to call them fuckers just there) And then, the team that CU is to play next week, the Iowa State Cyclones got pounded 58 to 7 by the Kansas State Wildcats, who the Buffs have already beaten. Which is good news, because even if we end up tied with the Wildcats, since we beat them, we go on to the Big 12 Championship game. Woo! I'm totally looking forward to next week's home game. Those Cyclones won't know what hit them. It's the senior's last game at home and man it'll be hard to beat the Buffs.(Yeah, like you care. LOL)
So, after I watched the gameI spent the rest of the day hanging around my family, and just kind of being lazy, because I was tired and comfortable, and it was really nice day. Later, sitting at the table eating spagehtti with my dad, I realized something.
I don't know that I want to go away.
Seriously. For all my talk of big, New York dreams, I don't know that I'd be going for me. I mean, when I was in high school, and I wanted to be an actress in the legitimate theatre, then it was logical for me to want that. I don't want to go somewhere just to go, I don't want to make that mistake again.
And now, now I have this feeling that I would go looking for Jesse. I love big cities, but I don't know that I love them to live. Every time I imagine myself in New York, I have this irrational picture of Jesse at my side, going to plays, getting coffee, to come home to, and well, newsflash, Emily, that isn't going to happen. I can just see myself working in AIDS clinics looking for his face, for his hands, for something about him. And I don't think that's a good idea. I know he's dead. I know that. I know I won't ever see him again. And I don't want to move three thousand miles away to a big city and finally figure that out. I don't think that would be doing justice to the clients I would have. I don't think that's being honest with myself.
I had a really hard think about whethere I was just trying to mask fear, if I was just trying to talk myself into staying where I knew it was safe, but as of this second, I don't think I am. I suppose it'll really boil down to where I get into grad school.
And the other realization I made is that relationships take WORK. They're not easy. You don't just make a friend and magically keep a friend. Hi, I talked to Anthony this weekend. He thinks that relationships, be them friendships or romantic shouldn't take any work and they do. I mean, it takes work for me to maintain any friendships and I love it. I'm glad that my relationships aren't shallow and that I have to put out some effort to keep them alive and growing, but Anthony, man, he just can't deal. And I feel superior to him. I feel like I'm more in touch with the "real world" and like I'll have friends forever.
Wow. This was reeeaally long. :)
Emily
