December 4th, 2002 - 11.50 pm
So, I had a really fun evening. We went to the Cheesecake Factory with Humanities Club and for the most part, they're people I really enjoy. There's this one kid that drives me completely out of my mind though. But a minor detail. My friend from MESA, Rose, came with us. She was on the hotline today and sounded like she had a really intense day and so what better way to end it than with a noisy group of people that she'd never met before, coffee and cheesecake. I'm really glad she did too, because it boiled down to Laine, Helen, Rose and I. They got on really well, and that made me feel good, because I think Rose and I could be great friends. So that was exciting.
Then. Laine told this story about her evil ex, Ben. God. I don't even know what to do about it. I'm not going to re-tell the story here, but I was really hit in the stomach with how terrible he was to her. How disrespectful, how abusive. He said things to her that were completely a power trip. And that makes me so blindingly angry. NO ONE has the right to treat another person that way, and the fact that it was happening to my best friend and I didn't even know, I didn't even ask, I worked so hard to like Ben, and I did, I really did. Ben was always nice to my face. As far as nice goes with Ben. But I was right there and even if I suspecting something was amiss(and I don't know if I did or not, in hindsight I say OF COURSE I DID! But I don't know for sure.) I didn't DO anything. I didn't SAY anything to Laine, I defended him to other people.
I've always thought that I was a decent judge of charachter. And I am obviously wrong. For all the talk in MESA about trusting your gut, I apparently shouldn't. I thought he was callous, but I thought when they were alone, at least, he could show tenderness and genuine love and he didn't. He didn't and I didn't know. I'm so furious that he could treat her this way, and I'm so furious at myself for not protecting her. Not like I could have; she would never have allowed it. But FUCK. This was all happening right under my nose and I didn't know. I. Didn't. Know.
Logically I know she didn't tell me so there was no possible way I could have known, but why didn't that intutition, that gut response kick in? Every time I hear one of these stories, I'm mostly like indignatly furious, but in the back I feel a little guilty. I feel so honored that Laine tells me these things, you know? I mean, I'm really REALLY glad that she is telling us now. Sigh. This bites.
