December 08, 2002 - 11.32 pm
OK. I'm totally. . .something right now. Freaked out isn't the right word but I'm definitly weirded out.
Tonight, I went to my sister's voice recital, and she takes voice from the same woman that used to teach Tia voice and still teaches Tia's mom. So, ironically, my family sat right in front of Tia's mom, Lynda and her husband, Bill and two friends of Lynda's. I talked to Lynda a minute before everything started. She was really nervous about singing in public. She is a very brilliant woman, but shy. Reserved. I could understand being nervous about singing in front of people. Especially, because I knew in her mind she was comparing herself to her daughter and trying to live up to that electric stage presence, timing and talent that her daughter had. So she did a fine job, especially because she's had panic attacks in the past. I couldn't tell that she was especially nervous. At the intermission I went and told her so. And the woman sitting next to her started when she saw me and her eyes got all big and she said,
"Oh! You're the blue one! I have to tell you something! Tia says, don't worry, she loves the brick, she can hear American Pie and she brought a guy to see you." The woman paused and my breath caught in my chest.
"The guy won't tell me his name. He says you'll know. He seems young and all he says is, moon and the stars, Bright Eyes."
And all of a sudden, I could see them, Tia effortlessly graceful in a gorgeous purple gown, standing on this woman's right, behind her mother and dad, and Jesse, hair falling into his eyes, and the the impatient shake of his head. Just for a fraction of a second. Lynda smiled a little bit and introduced me to her friend, Mary, who has apparently been communicating with Tia for Bill and Lynda for some time now, but hasn't ever had anyone else come through. She said she felt like the two were friends and that they really loved me.
And I didn't know what to do. Here's what was going through my head:
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK don't crydon'tcrydon'tcry.WHAT THE FUCK!? My mouth gaped open for a minute and I said, "Wow. Well, thank you." She smiled at me and said, "Thank them." I smiled a little and nodded when my mind was screaming.
Now, don't get me wrong. This wasn't a bad thing perse, but I was confused and I didn't know what to do. I have a, what I think of as healthy suspicion towards those who call themselves psychics. But how could this woman know these things? How could she know about the brick?
In our theatre company, when someone graduates they are allowed to pick a brick in their respective gender dressing room to write their shows on, and like, messages or whatever. Well, when Tia died, we painted a brick with her name, and a daisy. She was supposed to play Daisy in Eugene Inoesco's Rhinocerous, but before the show could go up, she died.
How could she know about American Pie? We've always connected American Pie with Tia. "Feburary made me shiver" Tia died Feburary 1st. I think I shivered all through Feburary 1998. And, we used to sing American Pie at cast parties. I can remeber one night at Daniels house, sitting in a circle singing. How could this woman know about that?! She didn't know Tia when she was alive!
AND how could she know about Jesse and the moon and the stars and Bright Eyes? Bright Eyes is what he called me, moon and the stars is a line from a song we used to sing, him promising to give me "moon and the stars and a soul to guide you and a promise I'll never go".
I don't know what this is. It made me so so sad and miss them so so much. I drove back to Boulder in tears, showed up at Laine's house, sat on her couch, told her what happened in sketchy vauge detail and cried. I needed to be touched. Touch releases catacholamines, you know.
I'm feeling really . . .sad. I miss them.
