December 11th, 2002 - 11.53 pm
So, yeah, last time? Totally freaked. And I'm still feeling a little bit shakey. Should that have hit me as hard as it did? Is it for real, or just some bizarre co-incidence? I don't know. I honestly don't. What I've been wanting is to have some dreams about them. But I haven't yet. Well. I guess I should qualify -- I haven't had dreams where I could talk to them.
I dreamed that I was back in New York and I saw Jesse out of the corner of my eye wherever I went, or I was chasing him, calling his name, and for one reason or another, I couldn't get to him. I remember one thing so clearly -- Iremember following him into a subway terminal and just missing it, pounding on the door. I could smell the garbage, feel the cold glass against my hands, see my breath. But I never got to see his face.
I've been having a dream I had a lot after Jess died. I dreamed that I was going to his apartment and I can hear him through the door, but when I open the door, it's another door. And when I open that door it's another door. And I keep opening doors until I get to a locked door and suddenly I have a huge ring of keys, and when I find the right key and unlock the door, I find another locked door. This goes on for a while and I come to the last door, and when I open it, I find a brick wall. And then I wake up. All through the dream I'm hearing Jesse on the other side of the door.
I've dreamed about Tia's funeral, except instead of it being JUST her funeral, it's always someone elses, like, Anthony's or Laine's. Or, I'm sitting at Tia's parents house, and I hear her voice, or hear her playing the piano, but I can't ever find her.
Now, these dreams aren't ones that take a PhD in psychology to figure out. And I knew this was coming. I can never summon the dreams where I can see them, or talk to them. It's been a rough couple of days.
Although, finals, ha, I bet FINALS have nothing to do with wreaking HAVOC on my mental status. Noooo. I'm also dreaming typical finals dreams -- that I've failed my whole semester, that I take rubber pencils to my finals, that I've slept through my finals, that I go to the wrong ones at the wrong times, that my computer won't let me open up MS Word. Oh wait. That last part wasn't a dream!
Ha. So, I'm a little insane. It'll get better, I promise!
