December 13th, 2002 - 10.46 pm
So, I've kind of made peace with this psychic encounter. I guess. I mean, I've thought about it and decided (as Laine told me that first night when I showed up a weepy dripping mess on her doorstep right after it happened) to just take it for what it was. And I'm not exactly SURE what it was. I'm just going to hear the part where she said they love me.
Speaking of Laine, I tried to explain something to her the other night and I ended up just making it sound like I wanted her to forgive me, which wasn't what I wanted to do! Basically I wanted to let her know that while I take great pleasure in calling her ex, Ben, a fucker, I have a feeling that's not all she feels about him, and I wanted to make it OK for her to talk about the other stuff too. And so we talked a little bit and I admitted that some of my vehemence in calling him a fucker has to do with my feeling guilty that I didn't know anything was going on. I always think I have pretty good judgement about people, and whether I didn't pick anything up about Ben, or I did and didn't say anything I'll never know, but I feel guilty for not picking up on anything. Maybe that's the problem. I'm using the word guilty a lot. And I didn't want to focus it on ME, I wanted to let HER know that those lines of communication were/are open and that I really don't think Ben is Satan. A minion, perhaps but not the Dark One himself.
(KIDDING! I'm KIDDING!)
I mean, some of the shit that happened was totally fucked up. But in all honestly, Ben was always pretty decent to me, as far as decent with Ben goes. I don't know that I would have put up with his behavior coming from anyone else, but because Laine loved him so so much, I think I wanted to like him and I wanted him to like me, so that we could all be friends. I guess what I really wanted to say was I'm sorry I couldn't be there more while she was in the thick of things, and I'm sorry that I made things between them and the rest of our group worse. I didn't personally, but I did voice some concerns that probably could have been left well enough alone. I feel bad for making her feel like she couldn't talk to me about all of this. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I know I really didn't have anything to do with it. I mean, I was a very minor character in the drama of their relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to tell her anything at all!
It's hard, because I wanted to protect her. I wanted to make sure nothing bad happened. It's hard to describe to a very competent, able, responsible, intellegent person that you wanted to take care of her. Oy. Rambing. Blame it on the cough syrup.
G'night.
