December 15th, 2002 - 11.48 pm
I'm having one of those periods of self doubt that I'm so prone to.
I'm feeling very un-smart, un-fun, un-loveable, un-good to live with, un-worthwhile, un-friendly, and gernerally like a large waste of space and skin.
Part of it is my roommate, Ellie, is beautiful, and strong, and powerful, and I feel like nothing when I'm around her a lot of the time. I'm just the shorter, squatter, messier, less talented shaddow that she has to take places sometimes. The one that she doesn't like very much, not the one with the dog, no that's the OTHER roommate. I don't even have the loveable dog to redeem myself.
I'm sitting in house that I worked very hard to clean today, with Mike fucking his on-again off-again girlfriend Allison across the hall trying to write a paper which is due tomorrow, study for a test that's at 7.30 tomorrow morning, feeling like this isn't even worth it because well, I'll never be a success anyway. I didn't ever understand my stats class and I'll have to take it again, and I just feel. . .alone. Like I have a big, black, moldy stone in my stomach.
My sister did something that really honestly wasn't that big of a deal, but feels for all the world like a knife in the gut betrayal. I'm still reeling at why she would have done it. I'm truly reeling. I can't concentrate, I'm crying, and I hate myself for it. And I'm so so angry at her. I feel like she betrayed me in a way she never has before. This is a new and different kind of pain. I know you'll hate me for going in to more details, but I'm not going to go into more details.
And like a true hypocrite, I went and turned off all the ringers on my phones. I actually turned my cell phone off and I turned off the ringer on my landline. But when I sat back down, I knew I was lying to myself. I really wanted to hear from Laine, or my sister. I wanted to know that at least they cared enough to call. But no such luck. I'm hoping that by writing all of this down, I can get the fuck over myself and get back to the history of American Political Thought.
Tomorrow I'll talk about the nice things that happened today. I'll talk about the fun holiday dinner.
