December 17th, 2002 - 12.43 am
OK. Know something. No matter who asks me what about the entry that's going to follow, I'm not going to share. I've got some really tough shit going on in my head and I want it out and I don't want to talk about it. So. I know it's silly to put it in a public forum, but this is where I write. If that's not something you can deal with, I advise you to close this window right this second.
OK?
OK.
So. This is unedited, uncensored. It may not make sense. Just be warned. :)
its because I'm ashamed. i'm ashamed that i can't get over this with pure force of will. i'm ashamed that there's nothing i can do i'm ashamed to be affecting my family like this. it would be so much easier to say "ok, i'm going away for a few days" and to come back and have it done with. i'm ashamed and i don't want to talk about how i'm feeling. i don't want anyone else to talk about how i'm feeling either. when i want to i will. don't assume you know. don't think you can even fathom what it's like to live in this body and know that you're defective and there's not a goddamned bloody thing you can do about it. you don't know what it's like to be me, no matter how much you've read, or how much training you've had, you DONT KNOW. i know. i know what it's like inside this skin, inside this body, inside this mind. i know what it's like and no one else does. you can have your own pain, you can empathize, but right now you just can't know. it's my own hell. and i don't want to share it. i don't want anyone to be here with me. i don't want this to be a factor for anything else. this is one of those lonely dark places that i've got to come through on my own. laine said that everyone else has their own processes with this that don't involve me. well of course they involve me. it's because of me that everyone's going through this. it's BECAUSE OF ME. i wish no one knew. i wish i didn't have to tell. i don't want to tell. i just want to let it be. i just want to be done. i'm tired of having this over my head and i don't want to have anyone telling me they respect how i'm feeling but. . . no. this is about me, and just me. they're my scars external and internal. mine. and you shouldn't have to deal with them. you say you want to but you've said it scares you makes you feel small. i won't make you feel small i won't let you feel small because of something that's mine. i can't let you deal with these. i can't i don't want you're so smart and pretty and good. so good. you don't deserve this. i can't let you see this. what if you don't want me anymore. i've put you through so much and i'm afraid of being alone. i just imagine this as being the last thing the thing that does it that makes you say 'we're better off without her' i'm terrified that you're better off without me. think about how simple! how easy! no one to worry you, no one to impose, no one to frusterate you. you're better off i'm scared that you're better off without me. i'm scared that when you realize it i'm gone, alone and at the same time i couldn't blame you. there's only so much, you know? so much you can be expected to handle. i've exceeded that limited fifty qazillion times over. and i'm selfish because i don't want you to realize how much better off you'll be without me. i love you so much and i haven't done anything to deserve you.
